Mother Earth Living

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack (And Live to Blog About it)

I can still remember my first gnome. His name was Bogart and we brought him home to scare away the rabbits. He wore an orange, oversized coat with a big belt buckle, a red stocking cap and pointy shoes. While we never thought of him as more than a companion, it occurs to me now that Bogart, from his little hill next to the pepper plants, could see everything happening in the house, all the while plotting. While his disappearance never gave me much pause, I realize now, after having read How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack by Chuck Sambuchino, that it’s probably too late for me.

But there’s still time for you.

Buy How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack (Random House, 2010).

With beautiful photos and easy-to-read tips, this 106-page book is the “comprehensive survival guide that will help you 1.) prevent, 2.) prepare for and 3.) ward off imminent home invasion.”

In this hard-bound guide, you will learn to assess your risk for attack and to protect your home and yourself from these calculating creatures. Not to give too much away, but when choosing your weapon for war, Chuck says it’s wise to stay away from mace and firearms, in favor of more formidable weapons, like hockey sticks and furniture.

All this sound bizarre? Well, really, it kind of is. But the satirical prose of the book, which takes itself seriously, is what makes it hysterical. And when coupled with Andrew Parson’s amazing photography, you really can’t help but to love it. OK, gotta run. My cat just hissed at something that scurried behind the blinds … this can’t be good.

How To Survive a Garden Gnome Attack by Chuck Sambuchino makes a great gift for any age, and is available on for $8.99. For more information on how you can prevent attack, check out Chuck’s website. It could save your life.

  • Published on Nov 21, 2010
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